Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
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