I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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