2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
