You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
