Girls should come with a carfax report
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
