Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
