to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I showed him my bush... on skype.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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