I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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