All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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