My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
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