the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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