I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
