Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Randomize
