I wish I could punch you in the face.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
