One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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