SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
