I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
