How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
My vagina is officially offended.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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