Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
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