I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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