Me. At least after what I've been through.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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