so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
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... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
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I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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