That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
