I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
