best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
