Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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