Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Randomize
