She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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