I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
