I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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