I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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