I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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