the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
