I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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