Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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