I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
