Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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