so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
