I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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