I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Randomize
