I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
