I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
