Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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