Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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