she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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