My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
