i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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