The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize
