His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
