Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
