My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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