i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
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Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
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So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
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