I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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