I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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