How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
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We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
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She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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