We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Randomize
