i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
