i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
