My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
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im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
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Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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