Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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