My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
