dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
my being single is dangerous.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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