I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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